Marriage Chronicles: Should you have an Alter Ego for your next Date Night?

If you ask me, my answer is yes! Let’s face it, we are gracefully aging and my guess is your relationship is aging too. If you’re not paying attention, your bedroom activities can totally fall into a rut. George and I have designated date nights that keep us on track but if we’re not actively taking that time with each other, these kids and these jobs can really distract you! Just the other day I told him “I think I broke my libido.” He smirked and said “No, you’re fine, it gets like that sometimes, you’ll snap back!” Ever since that discussion I’ve been thinking what could I do to help my snap back during those less motivated times? Like most of us, I’m much better at giving advice than actually doing it myself.

Back in 2015 we put on an event called Transformation Day for my Ladies of Leisure social group. There was food, games, lingerie, and choreography taught to help us feel confident and break out of our shells. Like I said, I’m really good at teaching……. The girls loved every minute of it too. I remember when I was younger and didn’t need all this stuff because hey, my knees were as good as Meghan The Stallion and my breasts stayed up even when the bra came off (laugh out loud). Anyway, I digress. Well, if you’re looking for a few tips to resuscitate your stale bedroom tricks, grab a pen and listen up!

The Element of Surprise

Do not plan this special treat on cliche dates like anniversaries or birthdays. Not even on designated date nights. Pick a random day so whatever you do is truly unexpected and memorable.

Change your Whole Persona

This is the only time he is allowed to sleep with another woman.  If you’re playful, be serious.  If you’re awkward, be confident.  If you’re serious, be playful!   Create a great fantasy woman! Some characters that are really easy to create are Nurses, Massage Therapists, and Exotic Dancers because you can create a whole experience that could take you several hours to pull off. My two favorite characters were Nurse (Relaxation Therapist) and Exotic Dancer complete with choreographed dance routine (hey, I’m a perfectionist). Both were tons of fun and I fully committed to those characters.

Create an Experience

Designate a space and plan for your special production! Red light bulbs and up-lighting can transform a room and make whatever you have look amazing. I love lighting because it creates drama even if you change nothing else. You will also want to think about how you want the evening to unfold. What do you see yourself doing? How will you use up your time? Be sure you think this through so you are prepared. I’m a planner and I gain more confidence when I know what’s expected.

Props are Essential

If you’re shy or embarrass easily, think of them as a shield. Wigs, masks, crops, whips, etc. They add to that fantasy persona. If this makes you nervous just thinking about it? Factor in something that comes naturally to you. For example, I can give a foot rub or massage so maybe my scenario is him visiting my Massage Parlor. Another good one is if you enjoy cooking or serving, cook him a meal and serve him in your waitress uniform, then pretend you just can’t get enough of this particular customer. Don’t overthink it, find what you are comfortable doing and base your evening around that. This will give you something to do so you don’t feel awkward. With the right outfit, anything can be sexy.

Look The Part

Don’t half step! Invest in special pieces just because. Lingerie comes in all sizes but be sure you’re comfy and not pulling on yourself all night. Comfort = Confidence. Go all out with your character. Change up your hair with a wig, think about make-up, jewelry, fake tattoos, an accent, anything that will bring your character to life.

Relax!

Do whatever you need to get in the mood and relax. Play your romantic playlist all day, drink a glass of wine or take a shot of bourbon if necessary. Hey, if you need to pray (married folks) or meditate, do that! Remember that the person you’re with adores you in any form. And most important, Have Fun!

Thanks for listening yall! In no way do I profess to be some bedroom guru and I’m still a work in progress myself. I just hope you found some encouragement here to step out of your shell a bit and love the sexy being you are (whatever that may look like).

Until next time,

-K

TGH Tips to take you from Blahhh to Brick House!

Today’s topic was spurred by an old Facebook memory photo that popped up from back in 2010. My sister and I cringed and giggled at how much I had changed over the years. To my defense, my priorities were a lot different back then as a wife and mother of two boys under the age of eight.

Now wait a minute, I am not saying that you can’t care for yourself if you have children, I’m simply saying that in this specific scenario, I didn’t. In my head, self-care was something you felt guilty about especially if someone else had to keep your children while you do it. It seems we go through this dark phase where you look like some ashy cast of gray is clouding your skin, your clothes aren’t bad but they aren’t great. You lose whatever spunk and style you had and worst of all, people make you feel guilty for having time away from doing motherly duties. Let me be clear, I love being a Momma to my boys. Especially when they were little, I would jump at their beck and call and I still do. Momma was tired though. I used to say all the time, you know how you see those stray female dogs roaming the street with their breast looking like they were sucked dry by a litter of puppies? That’s seriously how I felt. But as a wife and mother, you carry on.

Well, as the children get to be more independent and your budget isn’t being drained by childcare and formula, you start to see a light at the end of the tunnel. You’re able to shift your focus a bit before college rolls around and you’re broke again. For me, it was like a switch turned on. I was over feeling blahhhh, I used to be pretty cool back in the day. What happened? I didn’t waste time trying to figure that out but I did focus on how I really wanted to feel and look. Simply put, I wanted to be a mom my children were proud of and I wanted to look like a trophy wife.

So if this story resonates with you for any reason, I’m sharing my confidence building tips that help me get my glow back.

Know How to do Basic Maintenance

If this quarantine has taught us nothing else, it has definitely proven how important it is to know how to maintain your look on your own. My husband came home one day and said you know, I’m glad you know how to do your own hair and pedicure, people are really starting to look rough. I chuckled and told him I was flattered but he really does have a point. In tough times this is key. Learn how to do your basic care like pedicures, hair, make-up, waxing, eyebrows. Even if you are not a professional, when you’re in a pinch you’re still able to maintain your sparkle. We may not want to admit it but when you look good, you feel good. Where to start you say??? YouTube Girllll!! I’m telling you, it has totally changed my life. I knew nothing about make-up except what my sister would do to me, but nothing on my own. Now I can put my face on in fifteen minutes and look pulled together. If you have a girlfriend that knows these things, grab her and ask her to teach you. I promise you will be glad you did.

Shape Wear and Under Garments

Invest in good bras, underwear, and shape wear. I cannot stress enough how easy it is to cheapen your look by having ill-fitting unmentionables. Prep your canvas by investing in bras that help the girls sit where they belong, under wear that enhance your figure, and shape wear that smooths any bumps. This will instantly set you a part. Trust me, a compliment hits different when it’s given with respect. It separates the ladies from the girls.

Dress for the Body You Have

You’re not alone. I too have those clothes hidden in the back of my closet that I plan to one day get back in. I keep them for motivation. But! I am a firm believer in dressing for the shape and size I am now. You truly don’t have to wait until you lose weight to be pretty. You’re always pretty! Why not let your wardrobe reflect that. Start by taking inventory of your closet, try things on and purge anything that doesn’t make you look good. Everyone’s style is different so you know what truly makes you feel pretty. Don’t be afraid to gift those items that don’t serve you. You may also want to consider your size, age, and the image you want to portray. If your clothes don’t represent that, its time to do some shopping. Take the time to find whatever formula works for you and accentuates your favorite parts. This is an instant confidence builder.

Take whatever your Outfit Plans are for the day and Turn It Up a Notch

What does this mean Kim?? Simply put, this means put a dash of effort into it every time you get dressed. If you plan on wearing pj’s all day, just be sure they match and your hair is managed. I love to throw on a head wrap or scarf when I don’t feel like doing my hair. This makes you look pulled together even in pajamas. Lounging for the day? Don’t just throw on that ratty old house dress that has holes in it. Grab a nice one that is still comfortable and you can also pair with some nice slides if you have to run out of the house unexpectedly. If you don’t feel like overdoing it with some over the top outfit? Keep the simple one you love and just do some nice makeup with a bold lip. The point is to find a way to put the tiny extra bit of effort into what you look like regardless of what mode you’re in. I have tons of work clothes but I was caught slipping when we were quarantined, I had nothing but old t-shirts and mismatched bottoms to work and chill around the house. Yeah, there is nothing wrong with that but I looked so sloppy. I had to get it together and just put a little care into my chill fits as well.

Try New Things to get Inspiration

I’m extremely visual and love looking at pictures for inspiration. Magazines, websites, Pinterest, you name it. I’m always surfing and soaking up all the visual goodness this world has to offer. Whatever inspires you, do it, touch it, smell it! Explore new things. My style is pretty classic and I don’t waver too far from that, but I love to try out something new. Even if I do or wear it only once. This is how you keep things fresh. For example, my thighs are my least favorite part but I was determined to finally wear shorts this summer. I did it! I did it several times and nobody died or was cursed because I did. I enjoyed every bit of it too. So cut yourself a break and take that small risk. It may open up a whole new part of you that you never knew existed.

This was so much fun! I love uplifting people and showing that we may all have something in common. Be careful though, when you make this shift to put effort into your appearance you may get some minor backlash like I did. I was told that I’m vain, shallow, and have my priorities in the wrong place. These people clearly don’t know me. Caring about your appearance does not mean you don’t care about anything else. Caring about your appearance does not mean you don’t spend time with God. Caring about your appearance does not mean nothing else matters. So my response to those lovely people was “Clearly, YOU caring about MY appearance makes YOU vain, shallow, and YOUR priorities are definitely in the wrong place.”

Until next time,

-K

Change of Plans? - 5 Ways (Besides Reading) to Occupy Your Time During Social Distancing!

I know we are all going stir crazy wandering around the house and trying to steer clear of the Coronavirus.  Although we’re glued to our phones and most of our socializing happens online, I’m sure it’s still a shock to people’s systems especially in this socially charged day and age.  So, what do you do when you’re told to stay put?  I know for me, I immediately thought of all the fun stuff I wanted to do but I narrowed it down to five that I can share with you.  Here goes…...

1.       Cooking

This is at the top of my list because this is my opportunity to cook those dishes that take a while to prepare.  Since you’ve got the time, why not bake a cobbler or cook a turkey?!  Okay maybe not a turkey but you get what I’m saying.  Take the time to prepare a meal that you love instead of rushing to pick up fast food on the way home from work.

2.       Netflix, Hulu, Disney+ and Chill

I have literally taken over George’s recliner and we’ve been watching anything we think we might like.  Why not! We don’t really have anywhere to go so binge watch that series you’ve been eyeing. It’s movie night every night!

3.       Podcasts

I love podcasts.  There are so many topics out there to fit whatever mood you’re in.  I’ve mainly been tuning into “Let’s talk about it” with Akeshi Akinseye, “Therapy for Black Girls” with Joy Harden Bradford, “Dead Ass” with Khadeen and Devale Ellis, “Brown Girl Self-Care” with Bre Mitchell, and “Woman Evolve” with Sarah Jakes Roberts.  I’ve subscribed to so many more but of course you can’t spend the entire day listening to podcasts. Or can you?

4.       Strategic Planning

This sounds a bit heavy but sooo necessary.  Take this time to assess any goals you have and tweak them.  Study up on some things you may want to implement into your life.  Set new goals.  Look at your annual budget, especially with the severe economic changes the Coronavirus has caused.  Plan and get yourself better prepared.

5.       Declutter

I have too many clothes but nothing to wear.  Time to purge and clear out some space.  I guess it’s just like spring cleaning but a little early.  Whatever it is you want to purge, do it.  Clear up all those little annoying projects so you can rest easy when the nice weather comes, and we’ve been cleared to socialize!

Thank you for tuning in and I hope there was something here you can use! 

Until next time,

-K

Glow-Up 102: Elevating Your Aura

You ever meet those people that you just love to be around. You can’t really explain it in one word but all you know is that you want to hang out with them even if its to do nothing? They’re like Church, you always feel good when you leave them. Some people say you vibe, some say your spirit agrees with them, but I like to call it an Aura. Oooh such a complex and fancy word. Simply put, an aura by definition is the distinctive atmosphere or quality that seems to surround and be generated by a person, thing, or place.

How do people feel around you? Do they feel drained? Uplifted? Defeated? Motivated? Refreshed? That’s what we’re talking about today. Now that my children are getting older and I have a little more free time, I started along this journey over the last few years to simply to make edits in my life that improve my overall well-being. After thinking long and hard about this, I came up with three areas that definitely influence my aura. They are - How I Feel, How I Look, and How I Treat Others.

How I Feel

This is a heavy one. You can do amazing things when you feel good but feeling good sometimes starts with the hard look at you on the inside. Tackling all that unnecessary baggage you’ve been carrying around. Dealing with that constant feeling of judgement lingering from something you did in your past. Holding on to the pain someone caused like its a designer purse. Avoiding issues that are actually the ROOT of your overall ill feelings about yourself or others. STOP NOW and do the work to fix you on the inside first. FORGIVE THEM and FORGIVE YOURSELF! As you mend your own ailments you’ll see what a positive affect this has on every other aspect of your life. Decide now to be happy and do your best everyday to reach this goal and be the opposite of what hurt you. It could be deepening your faith, maybe therapy, maybe both! Maybe its setting boundaries for those that seem to do nothing but take from you. Maybe its getting your health under control. Whatever it takes, do it! I promise you won’t regret it. If you do the work you’ll feel like you can conquer the world. If you don’t then you’ll find that the world is constantly conquering you.

How I Look

Is it just me or can you agree that sometimes the day to day takes all the vibrancy out of you? I know I’ve certainly experienced that. Just recently Facebook was nice enough to share a memory with me of a selfie I posted five years ago. OMGGGGHH!!! I showed George and we were both like WOOOOWWWWW! What a change! So naturally I used this moment to launch into what I thought was the perfect analogy. I proceeded to tell my husband “that old picture of me reminded me of when you first got your crispy new box of 24 crayola crayons. You thought you were doing something because you had your cool crayons and you were really good at coloring in the lines. Fast forward to my pics now, its like I’ve graduated to my slick box of 64 crayons with the sharpener on the back of the box and not only am I coloring in the lines, I’m outlining my picture with the color and I’m coloring in the same directional pattern.” Of course he looked at me, told me I was crazy, but acknowledged that I made perfect sense.

At 43, I had to step up my game a bit, my taste has changed from the days of old. I have always had a more classic style but my definition of sexy is a lot different from body parts spilling out of too tight or too little clothes. I had to look at the message I wanted to send through my appearance. I wanted to show that I am a grown woman, I am polished, I’m a professional, I care about how I look, I wanted age appropriate sexiness, and I want my husband and children to be proud of how I present myself. Once I came to this conclusion, I realized that the clothes from those trendy fast fashion stores didn’t work for me . Those plastic cheap shoes won’t hold up for the long haul. I needed to invest in good classic pieces and shoes. That DOES NOT mean I don’t love a good sale. For sexiness, instead of the overflow of cleavage and mini dress, I opt for a form fitting, completely covered, bodycon dress. This also means you make an effort to include the right foundation pieces for your outfit. Taking the time to sharpen your look will help you translate your worth. This does not mean go out and buy all new clothes. It simply means put a little time into wearing items that accentuate your physique, iron or steam them to look polished, and do your basic grooming for hair and make-up. Care, that’s all. It has nothing to do with size, shape, or money. I am actually at my heaviest weight but since I’ve implemented these changes I’ve gotten more compliments than ever before.

How I Treat Others

Now that I’ve gotten the inside and outside all spit-shined, its time to share the love with others. I promise if you asked, you’ll find that EVERYONE is either going through something or have been through something so please be kind. Listen. Be supportive. Be honest but not brutal and only if they ask for it. Just know that “its not your job to fix everyone’s life little Miss Iyanla” as my very wise husband would say to me. Check your body language too. Nobody wants to be bothered with you if all you do is scowl, close people off, and constantly preach that the sky is falling. Trust me, we already know it. We are all just trying to make the best of what is. If you’re upset about something, deal with the real issue and don’t take your anger out on innocent people. Overall, you get what you give and if you’re giving all these good things chances are, people will shower you with the same in return.

Thanks for listening to my sermon and I hope there are some nuggets of positive wisdom that you can take with you.

Until next time,

-K